Waiting

14 Jul

In case you have been wondering about the radio silence, I have been in the throes of the dreaded two week wait. My mood has volleyed rapidly from hope to despair to cautious optimism. I have had mild cramps all week — likely due to my ovaries shrinking back to size and my cervix and uterus healing from being jostled and poked last week. It could also be premenstrual cramps. Or implantation cramping. I am obviously fervently hoping for option #3.

The waiting has turned me into a baby-starved crazy person. I can’t stop myself from staring at photos of friends’ babies and obsessively refreshing the IVF forum I am a part of. I keep googling “2 day 4 cell transfer,” anxious to read success stories. I found a few, but none of this “research” is statistically significant, of course.

I’ve giving up on trying to figure out how I am supposed to feel. There’s really no way that I am going to be able to embrace unmitigated optimism given the shock of last week. And I keep trying to psychologically prepare myself for how I will feel if this doesn’t work. There’s so much on the line this time.

On the other hand, I feel tremendously lucky. I have the most amazing wife, a job I love and dozens of close friends who are rooting for us. Our families have been incredibly supportive and even though we have had to taken on some debt to take this plunge, we will recover relatively quickly. In the grand scheme of things, we are tremendously privileged. I try to remember that every day.

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