A long road

21 Jul

I think what saddens me the most is that this is going to take a very long time. This prolonged period of hopefulness, followed by doubt, anxiety and profound grief is going to repeat itself for an indefinite period of time.

We will probably try IVF one more time. Maybe two. If that doesn’t work, we will consider both private and public adoption. But none of those processes are easy, quick or morally neutral. I keep going back to read the comments on this thread on Metafilter. The original article that people are commenting on (“The Age of Mechanical Reproduction”) is a poignant description of the IVF process, from the perspective of a husband who is watching his wife suffer so badly. The comments that follow in the Metafilter thread are breathtakingly sad as they explore the heartbreak of failed infertility treatments and the major risks and ethical dilemmas associated with adoption. All of these processes take time and money. They are all risky and prone to failure. It’s hard to know when to stop, when to change gears and when to take a break.

My wife and I cried for hours last night. Each time we start another attempt to get pregnant, I can’t help but project forward to what it may be like nine months later. And each time it fails, I feel like I am mourning the soul of an imaginary child that will never get to enter this world. My closest friend got pregnant on the first try and then suffered a devastating miscarriage at 12 weeks. She is now 25 weeks pregnant and thriving. Every time I think I may actually get pregnant, I think about how I will have to temper my joy. Pregnancy is such a risky and fraught process. That’s why I want to at least begin the process, understanding that anything could happen from there onward.

I moved my blood test to this afternoon, so I will get the results by the end of the day. I am taking today and tomorrow to grieve and try to move on. We have a good friend coming to town to visit with us this weekend. I think the distraction will be good for us.

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