It’s over

25 Jul

Second blood test shows that my HCG dropped from 41 to 22. Progesterone is also really low. I am definitely not pregnant. They scheduled follow-up blood work for next week, to make sure the HCG continues to drop down to normal levels. If it shoots up again, it would be a sign of an ectopic pregnancy. We meet with our doctor in two weeks to talk about what happened and figure out where to go from here.

Despite my latest propensity to dissolve into weeping at the sight of any child or anything that reminds me of our latest predicament, I have been genuinely touched by the kindness of our dear friends. A sweet friend from Toronto sent us flowers on Friday. Two visiting house guests spent hours over the weekend patiently listening to my tale of woe, interspersed with hugs and compassionate words. Another friend bicycled over with her daughter to drop off flowers and pastries. It’s like someone died. Actually it is like someone died. I don’t feel like I’ve ever cried this much in my life. The mourning period is cathartic and it has brought some clarity. But the tears keep coming in waves.

It has helped to get some perspective. Reading other lesbian baby blogs and seeing that other couples have taken a long time to get pregnant really helps. Hearing stories of friends-of-friends who spent two years trying to conceive and now have happy families helps. But my wife and I are just stunned and very, very tired at this point. We will try again. We will also look into the possibility of adoption. But it all feels very heavy and overwhelming right now.

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