Fear

4 Aug

I have spent the last day wallowing in a mild state of anxiety and fear. I keep thinking: what if my eggs are no good? What if I really am infertile? What if I can’t carry a pregnancy to term?

Then my thoughts turn to: what if I will need to find an egg donor? How would I even begin to ask this of someone? Who could I ask? What would it feel like to carry a baby that isn’t biologically related to me? What if it was an anonymous donor? Could I handle that?

And then I start panicking over finances — how many thousands of dollars is this going to cost us? How much debt can we carry without becoming overburdened? Will we end up majorly in the hole with no baby to show for it? How far are we willing to go and for how long?

Then I wonder if our desperation will lead us to take medical risks. What happens if I get pregnant with twins? Triplets? Will I be on bed rest for weeks? Will we end up with premature babies with health problems who will have to spend weeks in the NICU?

I am trying to take each day as it comes, but it’s hard not to get caught in this stressful spiral.

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2 Responses to “Fear”

  1. cathy August 4, 2011 at 10:49 am #

    these are all reasonable things to worry about, and i share those worries to some extent. and then i try to let them go. i was raised around people in al-anon and learned as a kid to focus only on what i can change for the better. things i can’t help, i let go. it’s not easy, it’s not a solution to everything, but i find it a helpful frame of mind. also, tv helps. mindlessness. 😉

  2. Queer Femme Mama August 4, 2011 at 10:53 am #

    Yes. My new routine involves eating lots of fruit and veggies, dragging my butt to the gym three times a week and watching escapist TV. Seems to be working so far.

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