Archive | September, 2011

Quick update

27 Sep

For the 10 or so of you who are actually reading …

We are well into IVF with ICSI #2. Today is day six of stims. Egg retrieval will likely be on Sunday. I am feeling okay overall. I am managing to get more exercise, am paying more attention to what I eat and am generally trying to chill out a bit more. I ditched the acupuncture this time — it was a tremendous time/money suck, caused me anxiety and didn’t actually help me get pregnant last time. So this time I will be indulging myself the ways that I know work for me — yoga, massage, maybe a pedicure this afternoon. And sleep, lots of sleep.

Overall, I seem to be less stressed out about this round that my wife is. Maybe it’s because she knows that this is it for now — that if this doesn’t work, we are going to have to switch gears and try other options. I am feeling reasonably optimistic, with healthy does of realism. I am super curious to see what happens this time, with a different protocol and medication combination. I will be waiting with baited breath to find out if I do in fact produce eggs out of my right ovary (oh, the mystery). It will also help me understand if I have a serious egg quality problem, or if last time was a fluke.

Another $8,000 is a lot of money to spend on a fact-finding mission, but that’s how I am trying to think of this IVF cycle. It may result in one or more baby. Or it may not. I want to try and stay positive, without clinging to false hope.


Professional help

1 Sep

I have slowed down on the posting lately, because I am starting to feel much better. This often happens — I write in spurts when I am sad and then forget to blog when things are good. The last two weeks have provided a lot more perspective. I am finally getting through most days without random crying jags. And thanks to my renewed fitness commitment, I am feeling strong, energized and much more sane.

I am also feeling better because I sought some professional help. My therapist is helping me work through the sadness and disappointment. I hired a personal trainer to help get my gym routine back on track and it feels great. I am excited to lift heavier weights and see more muscle development (my shoulders are already getting buff again). I also met with a dietician yesterday and she confirmed that I am pretty on track. I just need to make sure I get more protein with every meal/snack to try and curb hunger. I will keep a closer eye on portions, stop when I am full and try to eat more veggies. Nothing drastic. All of these things worked for me in the past and I never felt restricted.

I realize that I am incredibly privileged to be able to access professional resources. The therapist and the dietician are covered by my work benefits. The trainer, while an indulgence, is still an expense I can afford right now. Part of self-care is accessing the help that is available to you — whether it’s a friend, an online resource or a specialist who charges by the hour. I feel really good about getting some help and refocusing my energy on feeling better and spending quality social time with friends. It’s removed the myopic blinders that had me thinking about pregnancy 24 hours a day.

The other thing that’s really helping is that my wife and I are starting to seriously consider adoption as a way to build our family. We will do IVF one more time in the fall, and in the meantime we will gather information about public adoption. I love the idea that our children may already be out there, waiting for us. The CAS in our city is very queer friendly and we have friends who have already adopted this way. So I am excited to explore the possibility of becoming parents, no matter how we get there. I think this will take the pressure off of me and my body. If the second IVF works, then awesome. If not, we will stop performing experiments on my body and focus on adoption.

The chill of fall is already starting to set in, and I am looking forward to leather jackets, tights and boots — hikes in the sunny cool air and the return to soups and roasted food. September always feels like a new beginning.