The fear

23 Nov

If I had to dig deep into myself, I would admit that I am actually feeling rather calm about this pregnancy so far. I haven’t had any physical cues to indicate that anything is wrong. And though I have been spared the extreme nausea (thank goodness!), I’ve had enough hunger and sleepiness to convince myself that yes, this is really happening. But I guess that’s where the little nugget of fear resides. It’s almost going too well.

And today I heard some very sad news that a friend who was three weeks ahead of me in pregnancy had a miscarriage this weekend. Actually, she went in for an ultrasound and they discovered that the fetus had stopped developing, so she had to take the drugs to trigger the miscarriage. It’s so sad and heartbreaking for her. And it represents one of my biggest fears — that I could be coasting along right now, assuming that everything is going okay when in fact it is not. I really have no way of knowing. It makes me leery about doing a 12-week ultrasound. Do I want to know or is it better to delay the inevitable if things aren’t going well?

I am used to being able to get a general sense of what my body is doing. I inherited wicked PMS from my Mom and I also suffer from terrible cramps. So I know when the hormones are shifting in my body, usually signified by a giant pimple on my chin. Since getting knocked up, I actually feel more hormonally balanced. It’s nice to be off of the menstrual merry-go-round. My pregnancy symptoms have been milder and more tolerable than my usual periods.

So I am calmed by the fact that I don’t feel an impending sense of doom. But I am scared that I don’t really know what I am talking about. I guess there’s nothing I can really do about it except hope.

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2 Responses to “The fear”

  1. gus&otto November 23, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

    I think fear is at the core of parenting and it’s irrational and merited at the same time. We anxiously wait to see if our pregnancies are viable, then we bite our nails until the 20 week scan to make sure there’s nothing wrong with the baby, then we’re filled with apprehension until we can birth a healthy baby, and then we wake up every night to make sure the baby is still breathing and every day hope that we’re good enough parents who wont accidentally kill our baby. Um, maybe that’s not normal and there’s something wrong with me (you, too)?

    My unsolicited two cents? If you need the ultrasound to put your mind at ease and reduce your stress, get it. Do it under the pretense of the IPS (even if you don’t go back for the second scan or complete the tests if you decide not to actually do the IPS) or explain your concerns to your midwives and ask for a dating scan so that you can have the ultrasound. I felt the similar to you, too, at this point in time (but again, see above comment to deem whether or not you think I’m a rational person of sound mind).

    • Queer Femme Mama November 24, 2011 at 6:25 am #

      You are one of my parenting idols, so I certainly think you are of sound mind!

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