Suspended disbelief

12 Jan

Here I am, more than four months pregnant, and I still wake up every morning and wonder if it’s really happening. When I stare at my reflection in the mirror (in my underwear), I keep thinking, “hmmm, it just looks like I gained weight around the middle.” Then as the day progresses, my belly gets bigger and I am reminded that I am actually knocked up. This cycle happens every single day. And despite the ultrasound at seven week and hearing the heartbeat a month ago, I keep thinking that I will believe it when I see it.

A lot of this stems from the fact that I have never been pregnant before. On one thing, it’s not a bad thing that I am not huge at four months. But I keep waiting for the mythical hard “baby bump,” instead of the soft rolls of flesh currently covering my abdomen. It’s not that I have body dysmorphia right now. I am actually pretty comfortable in my skin. I am just surprised and puzzled at how it’s changing. It really is quite gradual and my general lack of major symptoms leaves me wondering if I pregnant or just fat.

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