6 May

After nearly eight months of cautiousness and semi-denial, the nesting instinct has kicked in — with a vengeance. When I first got pregnant, I had this “wait and see” approach, incredulous that I was actually pregnant and skeptical that it would result in a real, live baby. And here I am, nearly 33 weeks pregnant. That means seven (or so) weeks to go. It means I need to start thinking seriously about what comfort measures I want to try during childbirth. Caitlyn is ready to pack the hospital bag … my pleas that “we have lots of time” seem less and less rational. I spent the weekend doing many loads of tiny laundry — pre-washing hand-me-down clothes, toys and cloth diapers. Cait assembled the nursery furniture with her Dad yesterday. The curtains from E.tsy are set to arrive at the end of the month. I suddenly have this uncontrollable urge to get everything done RIGHT NOW.

I think some of this has to do with the illusion of control. I keep telling people that I hope this baby is a few days early or right on time, not a week late. As if I have any control over the situation. This baby will arrive when she decides that the time is right, but this is a difficult thing to accept, when you are used to scheduling everything weeks in advance.

Also, the nesting is likely helping me deal with some of my anxiety. I am not particularly worried about the pain of childbirth. Millions of women have done this before me and I know that I am in excellent hands with our midwives, our wonderful BFF/doula and Caitlyn, of course. I am more gripped with fear about potentially surprising  outcomes. What if she’s not breathing when she comes out? What if she has a disability or illness that wasn’t detected in the 19-week ultrasound? What if something goes terribly wrong right at the end?

I am trying to put these fears out of my head and not focus on them too much. But they are definitely humming along in the back of my head. It doesn’t help that every movie or TV show I turn on seems to have a subplot of a baby dying. Gah.I had to text my friend the other day, so she would tell me to turn it off.

All of this to say, my pregnancy has been ticking along in a relatively boring and uncomplicated fashion. I only have a few complaints and they are very minor — sore lower back, aching hips, indigestion, leg cramps. But I am still getting a decent amount of sleep and I am quite mobile. Cait was amazing to see that I can still bend over and touch my toes. I have no idea how much I weigh, but I am guessing that I have gained about 25 pounds. I can’t wait to get physically active again this summer, but in the meantime, I am making due with short walks and occasional prenatal yoga.

I hope to make more of this blog after the babe is born. Most of my friends and family have no idea that it exists, and I kind of like it that way. But I plan to actually seek out a readership and begin reflecting on the personal and political implications of parenthood in the near future. In the meantime, you’ll probably find me purging closets and doing laundry. So. Much. Laundry.

2 Responses to “Nesting”

  1. Isa May 6, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    Well, I can testify that the laundry only gets worse. I can’t tell if the baby is actually generating this much clothing (though she really does go through almost 2 dozen diapers in a 24 hour period–buy more than you think you need in the newborn size!) or if it’s my mother buying out every thrift shop this side of the Mason-Dixon line. Enjoy the final few weeks before you get to meet your little one! 🙂

  2. Maria May 13, 2012 at 1:20 am #


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