Nursing: the struggle continues

I am using Daphne’s hard-won morning nap time to pound out a long overdue blog post, rather than dealing with the laundry bomb sitting in front of me. Our sweet baby is just over three months old and is a total delight. She spends more and more time awake and alert. She smiles readily and has developed this hilarious and adorable squeal/laugh. Caitlyn and I are actually getting a reasonable amount of sleep (usually no more than two wake-ups) and I am slowly returning to a reasonable level of fitness. That is, I was until I threw out my neck last week. While I am starting to feel more calm and competent as the parent of a small baby, one issue still nags at me and remains unresolved. It’s also the cause of my seized up neck and shoulders.

I’m not going to lie. Breastfeeding is still really hard and I am not sure how long I am going to stick it out for. It’s the one aspect of parenting that fills me with anxiety and doubt. I know I am doing the best under difficult circumstances, but I question myself daily, wondering if I am still doing the right thing for both of us.

The great thing is that Daphne is thriving on my milk. She is gaining weight steadily and is more and more alert every day. But every feeding is a struggle and it’s exacting a significant toll on my mental and physical health. At 15 weeks old, she is still using a nipple shield and insists on being held on a pillow, in the exact same physical position. This means that I must contort myself into a really uncomfortable angle to get her to stay on the breast. I threw out my neck last week and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I don’t think it will until something changes.

We solved part of the mystery a few weeks ago when we put her on medication for reflux. She stopped arching her back and pulling away during most feedings. At first it seemed like she would be more willing to latch without the shield because she was suddenly more relaxed. I booked a session with a wonderful lactation consultant and it looked like we were about to have a major breakthrough. But the LC confirmed a suspicion of mine — the tongue tie has grown back. And since then, she has been totally resistant to any change. I can see her struggling to stick her tongue out and her tears of frustration tear at my heart.

On top of all of this, nursing in public has become a complete nightmare. She is now more easily distracted, leading to a lot of flailing. We had to leave a restaurant on the weekend when she became hysterical with frustration when I attempted to feed her. She was screaming, I was crying, the nipple shield kept falling off, and my boob was exposed for everyone to see. Fun times.

It didn’t help my morale when I received a condescending and ridiculous response to my plea for help from an internationally recognized breastfeeding expert. He told me that the way I’ve been feeding my baby is “an illusion” and that nipple shields “should be banned.” How helpful. Shaming women is an excellent way to promote breastfeeding!

So we are at a standstill. The status quo is unsustainable and not good for my mental and physical health. The current plan is to take Daphne to have her tongue tie assessed one more time. We will have it zapped if necessary and hope that this proves to be the final step toward a functional and enjoyable breastfeeding relationship. And if it doesn’t make much difference, I am going to to start mixing in a couple bottles of pumped milk and/or formula per day, to help protect my back and my sanity.

I have received nothing but support and encouragement from the people around me. But I still feel such pressure from the medical establishment and the breastfeeding advocacy community. My original goal was to nurse her for a year, but now I have my sights set on six months. Because the nursing mother’s mental and physical health is just as important as the food source.