Tag Archives: hope

Quick update

27 Sep

For the 10 or so of you who are actually reading …

We are well into IVF with ICSI #2. Today is day six of stims. Egg retrieval will likely be on Sunday. I am feeling okay overall. I am managing to get more exercise, am paying more attention to what I eat and am generally trying to chill out a bit more. I ditched the acupuncture this time — it was a tremendous time/money suck, caused me anxiety and didn’t actually help me get pregnant last time. So this time I will be indulging myself the ways that I know work for me — yoga, massage, maybe a pedicure this afternoon. And sleep, lots of sleep.

Overall, I seem to be less stressed out about this round that my wife is. Maybe it’s because she knows that this is it for now — that if this doesn’t work, we are going to have to switch gears and try other options. I am feeling reasonably optimistic, with healthy does of realism. I am super curious to see what happens this time, with a different protocol and medication combination. I will be waiting with baited breath to find out if I do in fact produce eggs out of my right ovary (oh, the mystery). It will also help me understand if I have a serious egg quality problem, or if last time was a fluke.

Another $8,000 is a lot of money to spend on a fact-finding mission, but that’s how I am trying to think of this IVF cycle. It may result in one or more baby. Or it may not. I want to try and stay positive, without clinging to false hope.

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A sad anniversary

23 Aug

At this time last year, my wife and I were back from our honeymoon in California, flush with possibility and hope. We immediately met with a fertility doctor and on the weekend of Ottawa Pride, we did our first insemination. I remember how I felt on the morning of the Dyke March — giddy, apprehensive, a little shell-shocked. I was also suffering from caffeine withdrawal and wondering how I would celebrate Pride without at least a couple of beers. My wife and I watched all of the queer couples with kids and wondered if a year later we would be marching with our own baby in a stroller or strapped to one of our chests.

And here we are a year later, our hearts heavy, unsure if that dream will become a reality. We really don’t know what the future holds. Tonight there is a Rainbow Family event happening in a local park, but I can’t bring myself to go. I would feel like the odd one out, staring at other people’s children and wishing they were my own.

The chill of autumn has started to set in and I find myself mourning a lost summer. A summer that started with incredible hope and dissolved into grief and sadness. A summer where I struggled to fall asleep every night and get out of bed in the morning. I know that we can never know what tomorrow will look like, much less a year from now. Jack Layton’s death has certainly reminded me of that. But I am struggling to remain hopeful and optimistic given how much we have both been struggling.

Maybe we will be a family by next year, next summer, next Pride. I hope so.

Silence

14 Aug

It’s 10:30 am on a Sunday. My wife is fast asleep, after going to bed at 4 am. She is a DJ and played at a wedding last night. I went to bed at midnight and was up by 9 am. I have had the pleasure of lounging in a silent house while she sleeps. I made myself coffee and eggs. I read a couple of blogs. I am contemplating heading to the farmer’s market before I wake my wife and we meet some friends for dim sum. This afternoon, we will do the grocery shopping, go to the gym, cook and make-out. With grad school done, my non-working hours are completely unburdened. My chief concern these days is how many exercise sessions I can fit in amid a hectic and rich social schedule.

This is what life was like when my wife and I first started dating. Before I decided to do my MA part-time while working. Before we embarked on a year of fertility treatments, clinic visits, injections and two-week waits. It’s comforting to know that we will become parents some day, one way or another. But perhaps the universe has aligned things, so we have no choice but to enjoy this unburdened period of childlessness for a while longer.

When we first started trying to get me pregnant, I figured I would finish my MA course work while pregnant and write my thesis while on mat leave. It was a ridiculous plan and in many ways I am glad it didn’t work out that way. Life is much less of a juggle these days. We hope to replace this silence and stillness with early morning wake-ups, baby giggles, trips to the museum and epic fort-building contests in the middle of our living room. But for now, it’s nice to feel like evenings and weekends are wide open.

My grad school graduation is at the end of October. I sincerely hope that I am pregnant by then. It would be so cool to graduate with a little one in utero. But the reality is that I have no idea what the next few months or years are going to bring.

In the meantime, I am going to wake my sleepy wife and start our day.